I get myself shot in the foot....always

I have been told I am not bad to look at, from a lady's point of view. But I don't like it when a girl says it to me. Because something inside me automatically turns its guns to whoever is saying these things. I try so many times to tell these simple beings that it is not a good thing to say to me, but they never listen. Then like it is instinct to me, I start getting attractions that are very strong and all I can think about is using my look and then the charm that I have somehow perfected to make them think that I feel something too and it is for real. Sometimes I have myself real fooled too thinking that it is exactly what I want.....long term even. But my mind plays this facade on me and on the people I am cornering. It becomes real intense as I somehow say all the right things.

It has happened not once, not twice. I even have lost count and come to think of it, it is happening right now. I am heavily attracted to a girl that I recently reconnected with. Yet I am in a weird dysfunctional relationship which in many ways seems to be over. Already did this to someone I really cared about and when I felt it was getting too serious for my liking, I withdrew and badly hurt someone who still has only good things to say about me. Yet I never learn. And although I am writing these words, I am still pondering on how to get this new girl's attractions to be more than just that, I want her to breath me, dream about me, think about me and even jerk off to me.....because it he is quite a bit of an obsession.

I want to taste her lips, skin, her "womanness" and all this is my mind lying to me and her. And I know it, but I prefer to go along because it keeps me feeling wanted. It is sweet honey and bitter bile all at the same time. I hate it so much. Yet I get real gratification from it. And it scares me. I am 26 now, and I have been doing this for four years with all these convictions about it lingering yet I have done absolutely nothing about it.

I have fallen away, fallen from grace. No longer the same, I feel like I am breaking, because I have broken many. Yet I yearn for it to keep me alive, its the only way I know how to stay relevant to people. I am ashamed of it and trying so hard to quit. But it is a kind of drug to me. I seem to relapse all the time and I don't know how long it will take before these beautiful creatures of God, these innocent women who are only looking to love and be loved will catch on.

I am not a good person. And it is a reality of my own device. I might need like a million years of therapy and hopefully I am delivered from all this some day. That is me if you need to beware of me. Happy new year people.