I get myself shot in the foot....always

I have been told I am not bad to look at, from a lady's point of view. But I don't like it when a girl says it to me. Because something inside me automatically turns its guns to whoever is saying these things. I try so many times to tell these simple beings that it is not a good thing to say to me, but they never listen. Then like it is instinct to me, I start getting attractions that are very strong and all I can think about is using my look and then the charm that I have somehow perfected to make them think that I feel something too and it is for real. Sometimes I have myself real fooled too thinking that it is exactly what I want.....long term even. But my mind plays this facade on me and on the people I am cornering. It becomes real intense as I somehow say all the right things.

It has happened not once, not twice. I even have lost count and come to think of it, it is happening right now. I am heavily attracted to a girl that I recently reconnected with. Yet I am in a weird dysfunctional relationship which in many ways seems to be over. Already did this to someone I really cared about and when I felt it was getting too serious for my liking, I withdrew and badly hurt someone who still has only good things to say about me. Yet I never learn. And although I am writing these words, I am still pondering on how to get this new girl's attractions to be more than just that, I want her to breath me, dream about me, think about me and even jerk off to me.....because it he is quite a bit of an obsession.

I want to taste her lips, skin, her "womanness" and all this is my mind lying to me and her. And I know it, but I prefer to go along because it keeps me feeling wanted. It is sweet honey and bitter bile all at the same time. I hate it so much. Yet I get real gratification from it. And it scares me. I am 26 now, and I have been doing this for four years with all these convictions about it lingering yet I have done absolutely nothing about it.

I have fallen away, fallen from grace. No longer the same, I feel like I am breaking, because I have broken many. Yet I yearn for it to keep me alive, its the only way I know how to stay relevant to people. I am ashamed of it and trying so hard to quit. But it is a kind of drug to me. I seem to relapse all the time and I don't know how long it will take before these beautiful creatures of God, these innocent women who are only looking to love and be loved will catch on.

I am not a good person. And it is a reality of my own device. I might need like a million years of therapy and hopefully I am delivered from all this some day. That is me if you need to beware of me. Happy new year people.

I go back to hell

I am heading back to school after all the proclamations i made on the subject of hate for the Institution. but it has become inevitable. You ever felt stagnated, low on ambition yet ripe with thought of where you could be? Or should be? Well, I am at that point in my life. And circumstances have forced my hand. I am as nervous about it as the farmers at Helm's deep were on the verge of battle against the armies of Isengard. For those who did not get that, its an analogy from the sights in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. yet I am also hopeful. I wake up to the thought of it, stay awake in the night thinking of my schedules and spend most of the day hoping that I will find the new friend who will make my life change completely. The key word here being HOPE.

I mean, what are we without hope. I have always feared for what my life might become. I have always wrestled with a fear to be an utter failure. In many ways this reality is more projected on me than the alternate. Yet I dare to hope, dare to believe that there is more for me. they say that the night is only dark till its dawn. So I am not willing to accept that my fate is in this doom. One thing I know is I want better for myself, for my family and for those who will need me in dire times. I need to step up, get off my laurels and fight for a better me.

Varsity made me hate school. I studied more, I put my everything over there. Probably also explains why I played hard, but also might have been my undoing. I left with no honor and now I feel this might be the time to get even with that place. I go back to the place I called hell so I can realize the Utopia that I have always pictured for myself. I hope it works. And this new year, just might be my year of reckoning. So the big leaugues....here I come.