My friend James is an ardent party boy. So you can imagine my shock
when he invited me to Bermuda in Wandegeya for a quiet evening of a few
cold ones (that’s cool lingo for beer). But that’s not the point. We
were to meet up with his mother. When we got there, she had gone on
without us. Get this; she had a straw in her bottle. Who does that?
I’ve been in and around Kampala and the things people do can throw
you off your course, it is sad. Funny thing is when you try to be square
and tell them about the correct way of doing things, you are being a
smartass…and no one likes a smartass.
Radio has not taken a lot of my time of late. Must be the busy
schedule I have, if you consider sleeping at home busy. Back in the day,
I used to follow Sanyu fm and they had a segment they called So UG. It
stands for “so Ugandan” if I must add. They would highlight all these
things Ugandans do without realizing how wrong they are. It’s only a
pity that these things are socially accepted. During one of these
segments, it was sighted that Ugandans ask for balance after a
transaction instead of change. Ask for change after paying your fare in a
taxi and you’ll be looked at with such disdain. I’m sure the whole time
the conductor would be thinking, “what in God’s world is going on in
your head?”
It goes without saying that this issue goes further than just
misplaced wording. We now have new words that are only recognized by the
Ugandan system. I happened to have done my school practice at St.
Joseph’s Girls Secondary School in Nsambya (oh yeah, I’m supposed to be a
teacher). I overheard some students in a heated argument although I
cannot remember what it was all about. One of them stormed off but not
before she asserted,” I’m conc-sure you are wrong!” Well until
recently, I was among those free spirits that thought I would get away
with using ‘conc-sure’. Boy was I in for a rude awakening. I was
publicly embarrassed by a rather annoying friend of mine and told to use
‘cork-sure’ from then on.
That’s exactly why I keep telling the people I hang out with to get
themselves some white friends (read Caucasian, lest they call me
racist). Now I’m one of those guys who pleasure themselves into thinking
that my command of the English language is superior to many a fellow’s.
So I decide to go out with Jeff, one of my very few Caucasian friends,
who had just flown into the country. Drinks are all on him so it is as
good as an open bar. I had the right to be obnoxious. I’m served with
beer and it does not taste good. With all the arrogance I could gather, I
scream out, “Oh my God, this beer is stale!” only for Jeff to cut in
with a polite, “you mean, it’s flat.” Not to be a sour grape, I agreed.
But it just took me back to the many times I had used ‘stale beer’ and
how many of my friends say the same. Turns out the joke were on us. It
is not a pretty feeling.
These scenarios are just taken to be common mistakes. Does anyone
agree with me if I cry foul and call that the most outrageous thing
anyone has ever said? It is a huge understatement. Mistakes are made and
corrected, these are made and somehow life goes on. We mock and
embarrass ourselves every time and this does not bother anyone in the
least bit?! The complacency we seem to pass on to every generation is
really unacceptable. It is as good as creating a new language. Joachim
Buwembo a columnist with The East African (a weekly newspaper
covering mainly east African issues) once wrote that Ugandans speak a
language that is in many ways similar to English but is far from
English. A classic of this language is the phrase, “you are dry.” It is
taken from a Luganda word okwekaza (literally means to dry
oneself), meaning many things according to the different situations one
gets oneself into. I’m sure many of you Ugandans have used it before so
to ask me to explain this is just wrong.
To me, the classic of all these is an out of the blue “Well done!” instead of the usual mugyebale.
It is so unexpected that even the biggest culprits of this non formal
culture are left aghast and wondering what they are expected to say in
response. Enough is said, no need offending someone who might subscribe
to this school of thought.
I know that a seemingly petty outburst from me is not going to change
the way things work in Uganda. Besides, the world’s cycle has never
changed due to a few mistakes made by some rather unintentional jibber
jabber from good tax-paying people. One would think I should know
better, I mean, no one likes a smartass.
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